I started writing about Mother’s Day this past weekend and then got so caught up with all I had to do, I never finished it!
It was my best time with my children ever! I was able to let go of unimportant things that usually trigger rejection issues for me. One of my daughter, Lissa gave me the best card I have ever gotten. She was stating how much she loves me and that she forgave me for the first few years of her life when I was so on the edge and frustrated and we just didn’t get along. She said something that I have never thought of until now… that I fought everything in me for her life and without that she might not be alive, a perspective I had never seen before. It brought me the greatest comfort and peace. I felt that was a total release from God! Lissa is the only one in the family walking with God.
I have always been a fighter by nature and letting go and letting God has been an everyday struggle, I have to be honest! I am such a strong-willed and opinionated person, it’s not even funny! Before 12 Step work and finding a relationship with God, there was no problem with all that, I was in survival mode without knowing it. I fought for everything like an orphan to prove that I was someone! Most orphans inherits have no inheritance because they don’t really know who they are or where they are coming from…everything is gained through effort.
Even though I had a mother and father who loved me and cared for me, deep inside I felt like I didn’t belong. I remember my mom talking to a friend of hers as I was standing right there in the corner. She said: “Jeanne is wonderful because she is so quiet and doesn’t cause any trouble.” My oldest brother Jean-Louis was a troublemaker and I saw what happened to him, he got the whip and ended in boarding school! I decided I was going to keep my mouth shut and never make waves. I stayed silent for many years, no one knew what I was thinking or feeling. I would cry at the drop of a hat though, because all my emotions were bottled up inside, but crying was considered a great weakness in my home. So no matter what I did it didn’t seem to work. When a teacher at the nun schools I attended asked me a question and I had to stand up and answer with the whole class listening, I just froze and my face became bright red, it was the most embarrassing thing!
I had no friends. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I just lived in constant fear and just didn’t know it. Years later I went to a “Father Loves You” Conference (Jack Frost) and for the first time I felt peace and no fear because the atmosphere was filled with God’s Love and acceptance…amazing! That changed my life forever! It was almost like my experience with being Spirit Filled where I felt I could fly and could hug my greatest enemy! This was a Holy Spirit Weekend and the Holy Spirt became as real as a good friend that day. Salvation came to me that very weekend even though I didn’t know anything about it! I was in the Catholic Church and they believe salvation comes from just becoming catholic and being baptized as an infant. So this is all a matter of God’s perfect timing. Nothing He does ever goes to waste. Everything is used for His glory and we in time become complete in Him.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:10-12 (NIV). This scripture passage just gave me so much comfort as I was going through the pain of a lifetime both in Al-anon and in my Christian walk. I had people helping me along the way and am so grateful for them…people I could talk to and reason things out with. After leaving Al-anon for a few years and moving to a different state 3 years ago and finding myself so utterly isolated in the countryside, I started going back to Al-anon meetings and am so grateful as after a year and ½ I am making friends and it’s the best thing. I love the fellowship of the program as there is no religion involved, just people being real with one another. That is God’s greatest gift to me. I love the reality that flows there. I have been a Christian for many years now and I actually believe I would be dead if I hadn’t found God there, because I was certainly not going to look for him in church after all my 12 years of nun schools. I think the pain that came up after my twins were born was so unbearable, that it would really have killed me. I first got angry at Him for giving me such a terrible situation to deal with, where I was so powerless, it was just too overwhelming! With time, in my total weakness came His great strength.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Cor 12:9)
I felt so stuck and powerless over my sick little girl and so afraid she would die, that I was just too scared to get attached to her. Isabelle was a mere 1 Lb and 11 oz and was quite scary to look at. She had a big head and small body with transparent skin. She had tubes and wires connected to every part of her body. Isabelle was born with Congenital Hydrocephalus (more commonly called water on the head). The idea of holding this fragile little life in my hands was just too much. The staff at the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) was amazing and loved Isabelle to pieces…such gentle dedicated people who were not just doing their job but really loving their tiny patients.
I became an insomniac around that time…my situation tortured me day and night and there was no way of getting out of it. I felt stuck in a corner and so utterly powerless over changing it! My life as I knew it came to an end! I had to let go of every dream, every plan and anything my life had been focused on. I have always been an artist and that is what I did for a living as long as I can remember. I became so exhausted from going back and forth to the hospital with no desire to go there because it was too painful to watch Isabelle not improving and not gaining weight. She was a fighter though with a great will to live. She was a strong little girl even though she looked so fragile and powerless. It broke my heart to see her like that. Even doctors couldn’t help her. She cried a solid 24/7 for 9 months and to be honest with you, I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Isabelle came home after 3 months in NICU and she was under 4 Lbs and I was supposed to help her gain weight. The problem is that she didn’t want to eat, didn’t smile and didn’t poop! Everything a healthy baby does, she didn’t and that was a great trial. Eventually after going back to my pediatrician at least three times a week asking for help, he finally found that there was a real physical issue that needed to be corrected. So we had another surgery, won’t go into details but that took care of all the agony this poor thing was suffering. She had her first smile soon after that.
Sorry this is so long but it’s important for me to tell my story the way it really happened.
I’m off to Europe later today and hopefully will write more then as being with my family there often triggers major issues.
Suite au prochain numero as they say in french – more next time.