I am so tired of being tired. Working with this sleep doctor is going well in general but today it’s not! If I slept 3 hours last night, that’s a maximum. Right now I am just keeping busy so I won’t fall asleep and need to stay up until 10:15 tonight. My wake up time is 4:45 am. I took a 15 minutes nap this afternoon, but it doesn’t seem to really help a lot. I just had to because I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I feel like I am 95 today! So hard. This is a blog about being honest, so here goes!
I am leaving in a couple weeks for a trip to Europe to visit some family and do some sight seeing. Right now it is the biggest step in faith to even think of the airplane trip over there. The Lord is my strength and strong tower…I believe it and I really want to see it happen. He will give me the strength. In my weakness is His strength.
When I first lived with my husband we did a bit of traveling and lived in Italy for a year which is where we will be landing soon. I was the goody too shoe until I became a teenager…I became a liar, manipulator in order to get my way. I cheated in school, I stole change from my mom’s wallet to buy pastries and candy on the way back from school. Sugar was my drug of choice, I just couldn’t get enough of it.
I think my siblings all have a food addiction in some shape or form…because we weren’t nurtured as children, food became our god. When a casserole would come on the dinner table, we children all became like vultures. Until the casserole was finished, we just had no rest. When my mom died about 7 years ago, after the funeral our family gathered together at my brother’s house and we 8 kids gathered around the pot luck buffet and ate like everyone else more or less until the desserts came…all homemade of course! Our cousins, aunts and uncles etc…no one got dessert except my siblings and I. My husband was sitting on the other side of the table and still talks about it.
I believe that because of our lack of nurturing and comfort as children, food became our comfort and joy. Being a French family food was big and we talked about it all the time. All this to say that my oldest children as a result inherited some of this. As a mom I had no grid on how to nurture anyone. It wasn’t given to me so I wasn’t going to give it away. Parents only can give what they have received.
Because of my husband’s drinking, I joined a 12 Step group when my oldest was 6. I found a personal relationship with God there. It kind of became my adoptive family because mine was overseas and now I was getting better and my heart was healing. When God came into my life everything started to shift. It took a long time and I am still working on it…35 years later. I became a Christian in the 90’s and then the Lord became my life.
Because condemnation and criticism were often my parents modus operandi, I ended with very low self esteem and feeling like a failure. I was born an artist and always painted and drew. I felt so alive when I did that and got a lot of feedback. My mom was a great artist, went to art school and art was her life.
My parents loved me, I knew that, they absolutely did the best they could with the only tools they had but it left all of us quite damaged. I can’t judge because I am a mom and though I love my children dearly, I failed often as a mom. Guilt and shame penetrated my bones when I didn’t do the “right thing”. I still at almost 65 have a tendency to feel like when something goes wrong with them, it’s my fault.
I want to get rid of all these nasty feelings that keep me crippled, and go on with my life the way God intended for it to be.
I thank you Father that you know my heart and are continuing and increasing the healing process as I write.
I feel so scared to talk about all this but it has to be done
That’s all for today