Getting Rid Of The Old…

I am so tired of being tired. Working with this sleep doctor is going well in general but today it’s not! If I slept 3 hours last night, that’s a maximum. Right now I am just keeping busy so I won’t fall asleep and need to stay up until 10:15 tonight. My wake up time is 4:45 am. I took a 15 minutes nap this afternoon, but it doesn’t seem to really help a lot. I just had to because I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I feel like I am 95 today! So hard. This is a blog about being honest, so here goes!

IMG_1595I am leaving in a couple weeks for a trip to Europe to visit some family and do some sight seeing. Right now it is the biggest step in faith to even think of the airplane trip over there. The Lord is my strength and strong tower…I believe it and I really want to see it happen. He will give me the strength. In my weakness is His strength.

When I first lived with my husband we did a bit of traveling and lived in Italy for a year which is where we will be landing soon. I was the goody too shoe until I became a teenager…I became a liar, manipulator in order to get my way. I cheated in school, I stole change from my mom’s wallet to buy pastries and candy on the way back from school. Sugar was my drug of choice, I just couldn’t get enough of it.

I think my siblings all have a food addiction in some shape or form…because we weren’t nurtured as children, food became our god. When a casserole would come on the dinner table, we children all became like vultures. Until the casserole was finished, we just had no rest. When my mom died about 7 years ago, after the funeral our family gathered together at my brother’s house and we 8 kids gathered around the pot luck buffet and ate like everyone else more or less until the desserts came…all homemade of course! Our cousins, aunts and uncles etc…no one got dessert except my siblings and I. My husband was sitting on the other side of the table and still talks about it.

I believe that because of our lack of nurturing and comfort as children, food became our comfort and joy. Being a French family food was big and we talked about it all the time. All this to say that my oldest children as a result inherited some of this. As a mom I had no grid on how to nurture anyone. It wasn’t given to me so I wasn’t going to give it away. Parents only can give what they have received.

Because of my husband’s drinking, I joined a 12 Step group when my oldest was 6. I found a personal relationship with God there. It kind of became my adoptive family because mine was overseas and now I was getting better and my heart was healing. When God came into my life everything started to shift. It took a long time and I am still working on it…35 years later. I became a Christian in the 90’s and then the Lord became my life.

Because condemnation and criticism were often my parents modus operandi, I ended with very low self esteem and feeling like a failure. I was born an artist and always painted and drew. I felt so alive when I did that and got a lot of feedback. My mom was a great artist, went to art school and art was her life.

My parents loved me, I knew that, they absolutely did the best they could with the only tools they had but it left all of us quite damaged. I can’t judge because I am a mom and though I love my children dearly, I failed often as a mom. Guilt and shame penetrated my bones when I didn’t do the “right thing”.  I still at almost 65 have a tendency to feel like when something goes wrong with them, it’s my fault.

I want to get rid of all these nasty feelings that keep me crippled, and go on with my life the way God intended for it to be.

I thank you Father that you know my heart and are continuing and increasing the healing process as I write.

I feel so scared to talk about all this but it has to be done

That’s all for today

 

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12 thoughts on “Getting Rid Of The Old…

  1. Facing reality is a big step – the most important step to freedom. Listening to the voices in your head, going back to your parents’ generation and beyond is like stepping out of the closet into a brighter place. Now you’re looking from behind you and peering ahead, into your children and grandchildren’s future and I hear you saying, “Enough! It’s stops here!” That takes a tremendous amount of boldness and courage, Glory!

    The worst kind of neglect is emotional absence. I think it’s worse than physical abuse. Like you said, your parents didn’t know how to give that nurture (mine didn’t either, although they did their best and probably better than their parents!). You were so desperate to fill that aching hole that you were willing to do anything to fill it. Food was the most legally available option!

    Glory, I wonder if you might reframe this memory by writing a letter to that teenager who was so desperate, as if she could actually hear you, back then. You are almost 65 years old… maybe go back 15 years, or even more. The reality is that we are eternal beings who live outside of Time, in Christ.

    Love is mysterious, and so is Time. I believe and have experienced many times over the power of speaking from the future into our past selves. If you have a picture of yourself at that age, perhaps take it out. And get into Father’s presence, as I know you do… and write a letter to that girl, from your 50-years older self.

    Can you mother than motherless child and help remove her orphan spirit? Sometimes in our ministries today we focus on “now” and we address the orphan spirit in the now… but we forget how it may be more deeply rooted in our childhood and how LOVE is what overcomes evil…. not just knowledge.

    From the FAther’s heart, who is also a Mother’s heart, can you write to that child? And then, after the letter is written, can you stand in front of a mirror, perhaps, and read that letter aloud, looking at yourself in the eye (preferably the right eye)? It may take more than one try… it might take 50 or 60 times.

    You may want to dig even deeper, to a younger age… not all at once. Just when you’re ready. A little bit at a time. You may find this jiggles out more pieces, too, especially as you travel to Europe and visit with family. I know you’re on a good path, Glory… and it’s really special to walk this way with you.

    Thank you for sharing this precious piece of your heart with all of us – YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! YOU SHINE!

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  2. Thanks so much Susan, I was venting my reality…doesn’t sound very godly! I thank you for taking all this time to write and give your perspective and help. Yes the orphan spirit runs deep here but I have learned that only Father’s love can fill that void, it cannot be cast away like Jack Frost used to say, it can only be filled with God’s love. Yes that teenage girl was wounded and needs help. I will try my best your suggestions even though I am not usually good with these things!

    These things are foremost on my heart right now because I am going home and it’s not easy, all that stuff comes back to the surface! I had a good night sleep last night and I feel more like a human being today. All it took for me not to sleep that night was buying a new tea…Rooibos tea which is supposed to be caffeine free, and it wasn’t for me, felt like I had expresso coffee.

    You are a good friend Susan and I am so grateful for your encouragement, your support, guidance and kindness, this blog wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. Thank you!

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  3. Jeanne and Susan, too, I have experienced the splendor and the comfort of the Father’s restoration in so many areas of my life, and it really did begin with me learning how deep His Father heart is. My first counselor had asked me if I was familiar with the concept or re-parenting. I was, but I was stymied at the thought that this crippled adult, still emotionally and mentally trapped like that scared little girl, could possibly pull off gaining any insights from my own limited perspective. After all, I was well aware that I still thought I wasn’t worth having been treated any better anyway. So I told her I would talk to God about it and see what He told me. Not surprisingly, He affirmed that I could not re-parent myself but that He could take me back to all of those fearful times and places and show me how He – as the perfect parent – saw me, and would have handled those situations. I think I could have supported the Kleenex Company all on my own during those days, and many days to come, but they were oh-so worth it. The cleansing, the out-with-the-old and the in-with-the-new had begun, and continues decades later as He is still showing me what needs to change, but simultaneous assuring me that “He will perfect that which concerns me.” (Psalm 138:8) I have often wanted to Blog about those days and most ikely will in the very near future. Though it can be hard to be transparent and candid, Blogs ike yours, Glory, remind me of the need we sojourners all have of learning from one another and exchanging those at-a-boys that we all need to continue the race, focused on that wonderful goal of His glory being revealed. Blessings to you both!

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  4. Sue, thanks so much for your comment and for sharing from the heart, I so appreciate your honesty.

    Yes when I went through all this healing, everywhere I went I had tissues with me too! I was like an unstoppable fountain. That was mostly while attending 12 Step meetings – a safe loving place to just be me and let God do his work. When I got baptized in the holy spirit in the catholic church, that was probably the best day of my life where I could have hugged my biggest enemy and I felt like I could fly, so light…not of this world! Then everything crashed as He dealt deeply with my heart and emotions. I was a mess for many months and they didn’t know what to do with me! That was the holy spirit stage…I wasn’t even saved as they do not call it that in the catholic church. Salvation came years later after I left the catholic church.

    I think this stage I am in right now is just another deep layer of hurts that have happened both in and outside of church. Many people trying to help the best way they can but really hurting a very sensitive spot. Yes I need probably to go back to these childhood trauma years and not let this run my life any longer. I need to take some time to go one on one with God and have that intimacy we had for many years. It has been so dry and I have been running from it.

    I am glad this is stirring things and maybe you can share more about it as we follow this journey together

    Thanks so much for your honesty and loving kindness

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    • Jeanne, I found that the gut-honesty about themselves that 12-steppers must have to be successful in their endeavors is what makes it such a safe place to be. The perception is definitely that we are all fellow sojourners – no one more important than any other, all the same in the eyes of Him with whom we have to deal. There was definitely a time in my llife when I did not find that kind of unconditional love and acceptance in the church, although I certainly found it in God. I am fortunate and blessed now to have both, and I wish that everyone who hurts did, since another wound on a wounded soul is not what is needed and certainly can be counter-productive to the healing we are all seeking. Church fellowship is not the place for pomp and circumstance, spiritual posturing, or judgment. God alone knows the heart of every one of His creation, and it behooves us all to see with His eyes and hear with His ears if we ever intend to be of any use to Him.
      Keep pressing on, sister. “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” Gal 6:9

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  5. Sue, thanks so much for your feedback and your love. Thank you for being so real and honest. Yes after finding unconditional love and acceptance in Al-Anon, it was hard to find the conditional of the church with all the rules and religion. “God will heal you, be your friend if you do this or that!” People are people wherever you go and yes it’s just a matter of faith in Him, really. I am hanging in there and trusting the healing process. I need to sleep a bit and then we can take care of the rest. Up at 4:45am is tough but it is working. I had a great night sleep last night. Yeah God! The sleep therapist says to me the only thing that works for you is to get you exhausted and then you sleep. God is using this man who doesn’t counsel me but totally deals with the issue on an almost mathematical level and it’s working. I knew when I met him that he had the answers I needed. It’s been the most trying time of my life physically since having my handicapped daughter. I thought that would take me right over the edge and there was a thin line there!!! Have a great day Sue and thanks so much again

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  6. What a marvelous step you have made in openly acknowledging this part of your past. These are brave words and with them you have purchased freedom from the bondage of shame and condemnation. What a blessing it is to know such a strong woman! As you press forward into your healing my prayers go with you. Love, Joyce

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  7. You’re beginning to fly, Jeanne…. it doesn’t matter if your story comes out painful and “not pretty” at first. There is beauty everywhere God is, and there is beauty in all those past memories, too… pieces of the real you are being restored. I’m glad you have the courage to be real.

    Our stories bridge the gap between the past and the future, and as our Father’s heart touches those wounds, everything turns into deep, lasting beauty and truth. Don’t worry about how the words tumble out – don’t worry about trying to make it pretty…. it’s just good to hear your voice!

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  8. Thank you Susan, you are so encouraging. I need this to go on and persevere. I admire you ladies who write a post everyday…so amazing to me! You and Joyce are so prolific and such amazing writers, I am amazed. I want to get to the place where it can just flow out, unashamed and free to be me. Just that would be a tremendous healing! Thank you for being so kind and good to me. I love what you said: “Don’t worry about how the words tumble out – don’t worry about trying to make it pretty…. it’s just good to hear your voice!” these are such very comforting thoughts. Thanks so much for all the time and love you invest in people like me, I am blessed.

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  9. You’re never alone, Jeanne… that’s the beautiful part about sharing our stories, too… Stories, art… they wash our souls. On the journey we get to experience abundant life – the sharing of each other’s joys and sorrows. Empathy is the antidote to shame, and perhaps that’s why our Lord and His disciples encourage us to “love one another as He has loved us”. Thank you for your precious love to me!

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