Thank you Carolyn for your honesty and transparency. I am so happy that God connected us through our special group of women. I am a very grateful reader of your blogs. You’re worth it is one I particularly love.
You inspire me and give me courage to bring darkness into the light. I wasn’t abused as a child, maybe overseen a lot as I came from a family
of 8 children. My mom had no tools to go by as she was one of two children and went through a lot of emotional distress because of constant disagreements between her parents as my grandma was having an affair and my mom was her confident – can you imagine that kind of stress when you are 11 or 12 years old? As a result of her past, I never saw my parents fight -“everything was just fine!” We never knew what went on and that was the dysfunction of my family. If mom was upset about something, everything was hidden and under the surface. We could tell she was upset but she would not let us know what was going on so we had to guess. We became face expression readers. It is like learning a totally new language. Hit or miss!!!! Still today because of this, I think people are mad at me when they aren’t. It’s survival mode. I have identified with people all over the world who have been raised by very strict parents like mine, I can specially relate to some oriental cultures when sometimes things are not expressed in an open way.
Mom was the best mom she could be to us and we certainly knew she loved us. She’s been gone almost 7 years now and I miss her all the time. God restored our relationship in her later years as mom’s heart softened. Our healing happened as she became closer to Jesus. Mom was catholic,
the religion I was brought up in. In her later years after my dad died, she had a revelation of Jesus as she painted His face very similar to the icon pictured on left. My mom was an amazing artist. Mom’s iconography teacher and friends didn’t believe you could actually hear from God. They thought she was a heretic because God spoke to her. I was one of the only ones in my family who understood what she was going through because I was also hearing from God myself. I was no longer catholic but had embraced the protestant faith which was a real issue and still is a real issue for most of my siblings who are mostly new agers now. I remember going to nun schools in France where I grew up and we were brain washed about Jews and Protestants – Jews had killed Jesus and protestants were heretics in Europe and many ended up burned at the stake.
As a result of both of my parents hidden emotions, I became full of unexpressed emotions, bitterness and resentments. I came to God through a 12 step program because of my husband’s drinking issues and after that I didn’t see my family for 5 years while I was going through some deep emotional healing. I needed to step back in order to heal. I had never felt that kind of emotional pain in my life and the loving members of that fellowship just loved me back to life. I Will be forever grateful for slogans like Let Go and Let God, Easy does it, but for the Grace of God. I found church through the back door of Al-Anon. Eventually I needed more of God and was drastically saved and God healed my heart and still does. It was such a treat to eventually find a God who loved me unconditionally – very hard to accept at first as this was completely the opposite of my upbringing where I had to earn love by being perfect!
I thank my God for all He has done and is still doing. I live with chronic insomnia which runs in my family line, it’s like a disease I have no control over! How can one make one sleep? I go through periods of sleeping a couple of hours a night and hardly being able to function during the day as a result. God has given me supernatural energy and grace to get though these tough days. I want to feel better and be able
to live a “normal life”. Sleeping pills just don’t do me much good as they make me depressed and are addictive! So I choose to live the natural way and wait for God to balance all the chemicals in my body until it all lines up with the way He created it to be. It’s a life of faith and I get frustrated sometimes. In christian circles around me I have had people judge me because “He gives His beloved sleep” and I am not getting it so I must be doing something wrong! I have received prayer after prayer and I’m still struggling with it. All natural herbal therapy has failed. May the God of all Peace fill you to overflowing.
Healing is a process, like life is a process. God is always at work as he never slumbers neither sleeps. He never gives up on us and I am not giving up in believing for a complete healing.
With a Grateful heart