In All Honesty

Thank you Carolyn for your honesty and transparency. I am so happy that God connected us through our special group of women. I am a very grateful reader of your blogs. You’re worth it is one I particularly love.

You inspire me and give me courage to bring darkness into the light. I wasn’t abused as a child, maybe overseen a lot as I came from a family

Mom before she met my dad. Love that photo of her!

Mom before she met my dad. Love that photo of her!

of 8 children. My mom had no tools to go by as she was one of two children and went through a lot of emotional distress because of constant disagreements between her parents as my grandma was having an affair and my mom was her confident – can you imagine that kind of stress when you are 11 or 12 years old? As a result of her past, I never saw my parents fight -“everything was just fine!” We never knew what went on and that was the dysfunction of my family. If mom was upset about something, everything was hidden and under the surface. We could tell she was upset but she would not let us know what was going on so we had to guess. We became face expression readers.  It is like learning a totally new language. Hit or miss!!!! Still today because of this, I think people are mad at me when they aren’t. It’s survival mode. I have identified with people all over the world who have been raised by very strict parents like mine, I can specially relate to some oriental cultures when sometimes things are not expressed in an open way.

Mom was the best mom she could be to us and we certainly knew she loved us. She’s been gone almost 7 years now and I miss her all the time. God restored our relationship in her later years as mom’s heart softened.  Our healing happened as she became closer to Jesus. Mom was catholic,

Archangel Michael painted by Mom

Archangel Michael painted by Mom

the religion I was brought up in. In her later years after my dad died, she had a revelation of Jesus as she painted His face very similar to the icon pictured on left. My mom was an amazing artist. Mom’s iconography teacher and friends didn’t believe you could actually hear from God. They thought she was a heretic because God spoke to her. I was one of the only ones in my family who understood what she was going through because I was also hearing from God myself. I was no longer catholic but had embraced the protestant faith which was a real issue and still is a real issue for most of my siblings who are mostly new agers now. I remember going to nun schools in France where I grew up and we were brain washed about Jews and Protestants – Jews had killed Jesus and protestants were heretics in Europe  and many ended up burned at the stake.

As a result of both of my parents hidden emotions, I became full of unexpressed emotions, bitterness and resentments. I came to God through a 12 step program because of my husband’s drinking issues and after that I didn’t see my family for 5 years while I was going through some deep emotional healing. I needed to step back in order to heal. I had never felt that kind of emotional pain in my life and the loving members of that fellowship just loved me back to life. I Will be forever grateful for slogans like Let Go and Let God, Easy does it, but for the Grace of God. I found church through the back door of Al-Anon. Eventually I needed more of God and was drastically saved and God healed my heart  and still does. It was such a treat to eventually find a God who loved me unconditionally – very hard to accept at first as this was completely the opposite of my upbringing where I had to earn love by being perfect!

I thank my God for all He has done and is still doing. I live with chronic insomnia which runs in my family line, it’s like a disease I have no control over! How can one make one sleep? I go through periods of sleeping a couple of hours a night and hardly being able to function during the day as a result. God has given me supernatural energy and grace to get though these tough days. I want to feel better and be able

My mom and I when she was in assisted living

My mom and I when she was in assisted living

to live a “normal life”.  Sleeping pills just don’t do me much good as they make me depressed and are addictive!  So I choose to live the natural way and wait for God to balance all the chemicals in my body until it all lines up with the way He created it to be. It’s a life of faith and I get frustrated sometimes. In christian circles around me I have had people judge me because “He gives His beloved sleep” and I am not getting it so I must be doing something wrong! I have received prayer after prayer and I’m still struggling with it. All natural herbal therapy has failed. May the God of all Peace fill you to overflowing.

Healing is a process, like life is a process. God is always at work as he never slumbers neither sleeps. He never gives up on us and I am not giving up in believing for a complete healing.

With a Grateful heart

Jeanne

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13 thoughts on “In All Honesty

  1. Your life story is precious and fascinating, Jeanne! The description of how true emotions were always hidden away describes my own family experience, as a child. It teaches us to live behind our own walls, and somehow I think all those hidden away, buried emotions are acting like toxic waste dumps on our systems…. leaking.

    And I wonder, if by penning the words you did here, that some of that hidden toxicity has been released … that’s the strongest impression that came to me as I came to the end of your story. Story-by-story, I believe the toxins are released and replaced with golden, glorious peace and joy… and corresponding chemical balances.

    Emotions are chemical reactions. So I’m excited about the transparency in your story here, Jeanne… I’m excited because more than anything I am believing for you to enjoy a peaceful, fulfilling night’s sleep! I’m so sorry for the judgments against you… they haven’t walked in your shoes, and so they don’t understand.

    I, also, wrote a story this week that caused my eyes to leak a few tears and I felt healing in my heart, just from the leaking…. maybe in the sharing of our stories we can embrace each other, affirm each other, and create a new world… naked and unashamed, like the Garden of Eden. 🙂

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  2. Thank you Jeanne for mentioning my blog and for such kind words. I am truly humbled. It is such a beautifully written post and full of faith. I can relate to so much here – the catholic/protestant issue, the connection with France, the damage of dysfunctional life, the desire to feel normal, the desire for healing. But most of all I share that knowledge that God loves me unconditionally. And like you, it took me some time to receive that.
    I pray that you will get more and more relief from the insomnia and that you will receive the healing that you need. God Bless you Jeanne. x

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  3. Thank you so much for the very positive feedback. I love you ladies!
    @Carolyn you are the one who inspired me, I happened to read your blog yesterday and it so inspired me. Thanks so much. Love your feedback, I guess we have a lot more in common than I thought.
    @Susan, you are always such an encourager and I admire your honesty and transparency. I love how you connect these physical things with emotions, I know you are right and RTF might be where you connected the two. I am waiting for that healing and my sleep to become normal…yes!
    @Marvia thanks again for all your encouragement. It’s a treat to get top know you.

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  4. And just to think Jeanne that you are priceless Pearl. God has a funny sense of Humor but that’s what I love about Him.I can totally identify with your story,being raised in a similar Background, (1Girls and 1Boy) in Germany. But my parents were of a mixed marriage, Papa was Protestant and Mum a Roman Catholic. Can you imagine, living in a small village where Herr Pfarrer (The Priest) was the next best person after the Pope. We weren’t even allowed to read the Bible, but I do remember vividly that Mutti had a Bible hidden somewhere and she must have been reading it. I left home when I was 18years of age and sadly became estranged to my family for a little while. And when it looked like we were slowly talking again I married a black man. It took the Death of our First born Son to open the doors again.What I have come to realize through all this is that it doesn’t pay to harbor any unforgiveness in my heart. Parents and Family, Pastors, Church and Friends, we’re all on the same Life’s journey. Listening to the words of Graham Cooke we all might get a big surprise when we get to heaven.

    It has been very refreshing to read your Post nd you’ll soon see me around more.
    I need to finish my website.

    A bientot mon amie.

    Gertraud

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  5. Gertraud thanks so much for your honesty. Yes I have also related to people being brought up in Germany. I was born 4 years after WW2 ended and life was not easy for the french at that time. My dad’s father I found out a few years ago committed suicide, which doesn’t help the family history. It actually makes a lot more sense now why everything was the way it was. I can imagine living with a catholic and protestant parents in Europe being really difficult and stressful. I rebelled in my own way for quite a long time and yes harboring unforgiveness can be such a killer!!!! I have been there and know first hand. It took having a very sick handicapped twin baby daughter for me to turn to God. I had nowhere else to go! She is one of my greatest gifts now…so full of love! Theres will be more about my story coming in bits and pieces one post at a time.

    A bientôt Gertraud

    Jeanne

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  6. It’s fascinating how we all have such totally different backgrounds, and yet there are so many common threads in our stories: in the secrets, in our relationships with our mothers, in emotional unavailability, in perfectionism, in the wounding … plus ça change…

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  7. Jeanne, thank you for sharing yourself with us through your story. I pray that God perfects all that concerns you. Healing is gradual and it happens eventually. I know how it feels not to be able to sleep and where nothing works but I have also come to be able to sleep. Natural therapy and the Lord do help. You will get there.
    Thank you so much for your transparency – that in itself would encourage others to do the same and also to know that we are not alone in our trials.
    You are indeed a Passionate Pearl

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  8. Pingback: A little ray of sunshine. | From guestwriters

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